I Could Always Hear You
by wolverine6claws
Summary: Shortly after his best friend's death, Wolverine finds himself having dreams and perhaps a few regrets.  X-Force glimpse from canon comics events


**Title: I Could Always Hear You **

**Author: Wolverine6Claws**

**Place**: Angel's Aerie, Colorado

**Summary: **Shortly after his best friend's death, Wolverine finds himself having dreams and perhaps a few regrets. (X-Force glimpse from canon comics events)

**_**

"You're gonna get yourself killed," I hear myself say. "Or worse, you're gonna get me killed!"

"Heaven forbid."

I can't see the person talking to me because my vision is black, although the tone of the accented voice sounds slightly concerned by the possibility that I could be right. The darkness swirls and opens up to reveal the grey steel surface of what I recognize as the Danger Room and standing around me are the X-Men. The one I'm pointing a gloved finger at is my old buddy, Kurt Wagner aka Nightcrawler, before we became buddies.

I know the man well... now, but the vision is a memory; one I recognize from years long past.

"Who the hell is this idiot?" I growl.

"Wolverine, stand down!" That voice belongs to Scott Summers.

"You're right," Kurt says. "I am not nearly as experienced a fighter as you, Herr Wolverine. But is this not why we train together? Is this not the reason we have the Danger Room?-to learn from and about each other?"

"You're no kind o' fighter at all, with all that bouncin' around!" I growled at my old friend. I do remember this moment, it's more than a dream, it is a memory; one that leads to a friendship that would change my life in ways I couldn't comprehend at the time. "What the hell was all that? You some kind o' acrobat or somethin'?"

"The finest in all of Germany!" Kurt regales proudly.

"Then take your ass back to the circus, pal. You won't last a minute tryin' to do what I do."

"I have made it this far, have I not? And I expect to continue on this way, so long as it is God's will that I do so."

"God's will?" I hear myself ask, looking into the yellow eyes of my friend. "Did you just say 'God's will'?"

"Ja, mein freund."

"I take it back, you're not an idiot, you're a damn fool."

"I take it you do not share my faith in God," Kurt says matter-of-factly.

"See these?" I say. Holding my fist up between us I release my claws. "These are all I got faith in. Not some magic man in the sky." I spin and strike out at the mechanical autobot that had frozen nearby when the program was halted. My adamantium claws slice through it as I follow through with little effort. The automatron's head, neck and shoulders slid to the floor in three separate pieces, severed diagonally through the throat and chest as the body falls to its knees and lands on its side.

"You are obviously quite adept at fighting with those claws of yours, Weapon X -."

"What did you call me?" I ask in surprise. Kurt had never called me that before.

"But we all must die sometime," Kurt told me, ignoring my question; seeming oblivious of the odd exchange. "And when it is your time to die, Logan, and you are fighting not for your life, but for your immortal soul, you will find those claws are no longer of any use to you. Only God will be able to save you then. You should look for Him, now, while you still have time."

The expected reply never comes. Instead I glance around at all the people standing in a casual circle around us, listening to our exchange. Now no one moves. Their faces are neutral, like masks. Storm is to my right, Colossus just behind me to the left, Cyclops in front of me behind Kurt. I begin to feel doubt; my heart pounds in my chest. I take a step back and Kurt steps toward me.

"Logan...?"

"Logan?"

I blink at my surroundings. The scene has changed. Where am I now? Where had I been? It's right at the tip of my brain, I can almost remember but I can't grasp it. It feels like a dream. Where am I now?

I look around. I'm sitting on a hill and a mild breeze blows the leaves past me and they take flight for a moment before tumbling back to earth, one of them becomes snagged by a blade of grass and it wiggles against the force of the breeze, like an animal trapped, fighting to gain its freedom...

I blink and look up to the darkening sky. Where did that thought come from. What the hell is wrong with me? It's autumn, it's near dusk...

"Logan."

Aha, I thought I'd heard my name being called, but I thought it was just the wind. I look to my right to see Kurt walking up the side of the hill still wearing his white shirt and black tie from the funeral.

Funeral?

I look over my shoulder to see a headstone there; fresh and new, atop the hill under the tree. This is my spot, my favorite place to come and think; to contemplate in private... in peace. I can't see the name engraved on it - it's blurred and I can't make it out... strange. Everything else is so detailed... why not that? Perhaps it doesn't matter who it belongs to, maybe that's not the point.

What is the point?

Who the hell knows?

"Logan."

"Don't say it Kurt," I hear myself say in answer to the call. I've done this before... many times. "Don't you say a damned word about how she's gone to a better place!" I say, feeling anger rising up inside me. The power of it, the rage, it is at once exhilarating and yet frightening. I get to my feet, noticing for the first time the bottle in my hand. "Don't you dare tell me how this was all God's plan! I don't wanna hear that garbage! She's dead! There is no better place, she's just dead! They die! They all die! They all die because of me!"

I lift the bottle and tip it back as it touches my lips, taking large gulps and Kurt watches me. I can see the sorrow and the compassion on his face, but I'm angry and I'm hurt and I'm alone again and I don't want to hear it. "Just... don't say it," I tell him, taking a shaky breath as my emotions do battle beneath the surface of my fragile control.

"All right, mein freund. Mind if I just sit here with you for a while?"

I look at Kurt and feel the rage recede a bit. I drop back down onto the grass and cross my legs Indian style. "Suit yourself."

Kurt lowers himself to the ground nearby and we sit for a long time; me, staring out over the rolling hills and forest below and Kurt staring at me; waiting for some kind of human response to this tragedy.

"I'll miss her," I finally say.

"We will all miss her, Logan. She was a wonderful woman. I am sorry for your loss. It is a loss to us all. But we shall see her again."

"She's dead, Kurt!" I say, turning my head toward him but not raising my eyes to meet Kurt's gaze. "Dead! Dead is dead! She ain't up in Heaven strummin' a damned harp or singin' in a choir of angelic beings! She's right here, under the ground, in this grave, rotting!" I can feel the anger stir again, waking the beast. It stirs and stretches and opens one eye... and takes a deep breath. "We live and we die and that's it! End of story!"

Kurt sits silently for a moment, looking at me with a sorrowful expression before lowering his gaze. "I am sorry, Logan. I did not come up here to argue with you."

"Then why did you come up here?" I ask with a hint of spite tainting my words.

"I came up here... because I knew you were in pain."

I don't know what to say. I think about that for a minute and I don't even know how to feel about that. I don't know how to feel about her death. I don't know how to feel about losing her. I don't know how I should react or respond and I don't really know how to share it all.

Kurt knew this... and he came up here anyway... just to sit with me; to just be here.

I turn my face to look at my friend.

"You're so sure of yourself, ain'tcha, Elf? How is that?" I ask and slide forward, turning onto my knees I get to my feet and look down at my best friend. "Where does all that certainty come from? How do you know that she has an immortal soul? How are you so sure that any of us do? Huh?"

Kurt looks up at me and his expression softens a little, but his resolve never does. "It is called Faith, my friend. If you would like, I will tell you all about it."

I stand there for a moment not knowing what to say. I really don't want to know anything about God, if he even exists. He'd certainly never done me any favors. Then I realize that I'm moving, stepping around Kurt I head down the hill.

"Some other time perhaps," I hear Kurt's voice comment behind me.

Yeah, perhaps another time.

Funny thing about these dreams I'm havin'... it's because of all those times I wouldn't listen to you, isn't it, Kurt? All those arguments I walked away from. I walked away because I had nothin' to say, not because I wasn't listenin'. Even when you thought I wasn't listenin'... I could hear you. I could always hear you.

"Logan, listen to me..."

"Later!"

"... stop. Logan, please..." he says and he steps in my path.

"Out of the way, Elf."

"No. Not until you tell me where you are going."

I don't answer. I just glare at him. My beast glares at him; reined in only by me. He growls at Kurt.

"You are going to kill someone, aren't you?" he asks.

"That's what I do, bub. Get out of my damn way."

He grabs my arm. What the hell?

"You're going to kill your way right into hell, Logan! I cannot let you keep doing this!"

"If there is a hell and that's where I'm headed, so be it... but I damn sure ain't goin' alone!"

He grabs both my shoulders with his hands and pushes against me. The next thing I know he's teleported us deep into the woods. He immediately steps back and puts his hands in the air where I can see them.

"I am not here to hurt you, Logan. I am your friend. It is this rage that is your enemy. If you do not let it go, it will consume you. You must learn to drive it back before it destroys you."

"Ya' know what, Mister High-n-Mighty, I may have killed my share o' folks; some justifiable and some not so much... but either way, I still ain't killed nearly as many as that precious God of yours. Maybe he's the one you ought to be talkin' to."

"I do... every single day."

"Yeah? Well tell him I'll be sendin' some more souls his way, most directly."

"And what of your soul, my friend? Hmm?"

"I have no soul," I tell him... and at that moment I believe that.

I step around him and begin my long journey back. I'm not out of these woods yet.

As I march along, I throw a glance back over my shoulder. I see my friend Kurt standing there in the dark woods watching my back. He's always done that, watched my back. And as our eyes meet, the forest shadows come to life and swallow him up with the roar of my beast.

I'm tumbling. The world is upside down and I'm fallin'. Is this it? Is this my descent to hell?

I hit the floor hard and it jolts me awake. I lie there panting for air and waiting for my body to stop trembling. I remember the dreams. Kurt.

I slowly sit up and rest my back against the side of the bed. I look around the room and it's not my room in the mansion at Xavier's. He's gone. This is a room in a mansion but it's not my home. This is X-Force... perhaps my final step before reaching hell.

It's all falling apart. I feel like I'm fallin' apart.

I draw up my knees and fold my arms on top of them. I see your face in the darkness. Are you here with me now? I can almost smell the brimstone, Elf. I rest my head on my arms and take a deep breath.

I'm listenin', Elf. I hear you talkin' to me. I could always hear you.


End file.
